Hypocrisy

Sin makes hypocrites of us all. – JSS

Lord, I have not been myself lately. I’ve not been feeling well. Physically I’m fine but I’m speaking in a spiritual sense, I’ve not been the same. Upon reflection I’ve realized that my sin has made me unsettled, uneasy and not something I can dismiss over a reasonable amount of time. I feel like I’ve disappointed You, our relationship and certain expectations that I have of myself. It wasn’t easy to identify at first and I often looked at external factors such as, work, people, and circumstances. After some time and reflection I guess I’m faced with a sense of hypocrisy that exists in my life (probably more than I care to admit).
I strive on a regular basis to grow in my faith. I reach toward greater experiences with You Lord. I long for a deep closeness that I can’t find with any other. It is unmistakable that I am Your child. These things, and the realization of them, makes my mistakes even harder to bear at times. As I grow, does that mean my sin lessens; becomes less intense? Does it become less recognizable to me, to others? Does it affect me more or should it affect me more as I progress? Your Word says: “Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more…” (Romans 5:20 NKJV) The emphasis is on Your grace and the increase of it when sin increases. I’ve reasonably understood, applied, relied upon and placed great faith in Your grace Lord. And this is usually what helps me to return and live/be in right relationship with You.
This time around seems different, however. Sin seems to have pulled me into a place and has kept me there. It has knocked me down a few pegs. I expected greater control, easier decision-making, less willingness to give in. Lord, it’s not a salvation issue since I know that I am Yours forever. I am sealed and cleansed under the blood of Jesus. I am saved! It’s a self issue. I value momentary and occasional repetitive sin over anything else; You, Father, my soul, others, my convictions, character…you name it. I throw them out the window, trample on them, place them on a shelf, exclude them in the equation of my life. For what; a temporary sensory thrill? It doesn’t make sense. And it must change. I must change!
Lord, all I am left with is to ask for Your forgiveness. I humbly ask You to forgive me. I don’t understand nor can I control it all. I need You to understand, to control me, my life, my relationship with You. Your mercy, love and grace are what I truly need. Please Lord, magnify in my heart as well as my life. Break the bondage that sin/Satan wishes to exert on me. May Your “grace abound much more.” In Jesus name I pray, amen! - JSS